My reconciliation Era

How do you reconcile 59 trips around the sun?

This time has moved so fast. It is a major accomplishment to be here writing this, even with a site to document it. It’s a major thought process to look at your life like this. Every decision point has a cause and effect. I know the adage that “everything happens for me not to me.” However, reflecting and reconciling is a challenge.

I sit here writing this after work at my survival job of being a prep cook. 59 trips around the sun and this is where I am. A trailer home that I love and two dogs who are amazing. However, being at this point of working a survival job with no real career aspirations let alone vocational aspirations is very hard to stomach. I’m good at my job but the only thing I look forward to is going home. Nothing truly fascinates me at my day job. As for cooking I’ve always cooked what I like to eat. I make a very good prime rib, homemade pasta sauce, pumpkin cheesecake to name a few. However, I eat because I have a high metabolism. I rarely eat for pleasure. It is a means to an end for me. Sustenance to fuel my body.

59 trips around the sun reveals some choices like working as a prep cook. That was precipitated by choice in LA that I am still emotionally reconciling. I moved there with $150k in my bank account and left bankrupt, literally. I was so tired after 25 years in IT (information technology) that I didn’t want a job. I remember the fall of 2014 very well as I could watch all the baseball playoffs and not have to go to work the next day. I didn’t take up a real job until 2018. Oh, I worked but that was as a filmmaker. That is not a highly lucrative profession. Again, choices led me there. It seems so far away, like it didn’t happen as if that wasn’t me. It’s a weird feeling to be honest. I have these memories, but they don’t seem real.

Choices. Reconciliation. I am truly writing this for me. I’ve journaled ad nauseam about this. It’s been a ride. A lot of pen and paper. A lot of journals.

Speaking of reconciliation, my childhood was trauma filled. I have reconciled most of it. I still have some anger towards my mother, father, and siblings for not being there for me, but for the most part I have looked back not with pain in my heart but love. Now, I must do the reconciliation for Los Angeles.
This is not easy as it involves money. I am still working on my attachment to money to freedom. It really isn’t. Money is truly an exchange of energy. Figuring out this root cause is more reconciliation for sure. I get angry when money is tight. It affects my sense of security for my well-being. I know deep down this is trust and self-worth. My sense of security was pulled from me 11 days after my 8th birthday. Sadly, I saw the divorce papers. I do not remember it. I only know what was told to me. It is why I have avoidant attachment style issues which have been a thread in my life for almost all my 59 years.

I must reconcile all of this, money, security, Los Angeles, and other things which is recently started blogging again. It is my outlet for my thoughts besides my journal.

Bless You for reading this and my other blogs. I truly love writing. A lot I have found. As always, I love you and remember every thought matters.